When I saw “her”, I saw everything I knew I was supposed to be… and I was not just okay with it, I was in love with it.
–Excerpt of A Dying Woman.
“Your other half, your completion, is not outside of you, you see, but deep within you. It lives as your very own presence, burns like the Sun within.
So many people are looking for love. Or they are trying to hold onto a love that seems to be slipping through their fingers. Or they feel they have lost love, and they are trying to get love back, running from uncomfortable feelings of withdrawal, numbing themselves with more dreams, running further and further from themselves, in pursuit of something they will never reach, still dreaming of their “One Special Person” who will complete them, provide them with a lifetime of psychological security, be the perfect mother or father they never had on Earth.
Of course, that’s not love. That’s fear, an urgent flight from aloneness.
If you can find or lose it,
if you can be ‘in’ it or ‘out’ of it,
if it can be given to you or taken away,
if you have to fight for it, beg for it, manipulate yourself or others to get it,
if you feel you have to become worthy of it,
if it hurts, then it’s the mind’s version of love.
It is the lie.
For if you love, you are present. That’s it.
If you love someone, you are present with them. As present with them as you are with yourself. As present as the Sun in the sky, despite the clouds, the storms, the ever-changing weather.
Do not confuse love with desire, then. Desire comes and goes. It burns brightly, or the flame extinguishes. But desire is not consistent, like love.
Do not confuse love with attraction. Attraction is beautiful, but it ebbs and flows, rises and falls like the ocean waves. It changes with the seasons, days, hours, moments. It is not ever-present, like love.
Do not confuse love with warm, pleasant feelings, even limerent feelings of being “in love”. Pleasurable feelings turn to painful ones so quickly. Love is not pleasure nor pain, it is not ecstasy nor hurt; it is the field that endures, even as the bliss fades into despair.
Do not confuse love with the urgency to possess someone or be possessed. Love is not infatuation. Love is not obsessive nor compulsive. Love does not cling. Love does not own anything; it is weightless, formless. Love does not say “I need you for my happiness, my contentment, my life”. No, love is synonymous with freedom, with a wide open heart, with the willingness to feel every feeling, think every thought.
The most dangerous myth is that another person can ‘make’ you happy. No, no. Happiness, true happiness, the kind of happiness that cannot be bought or sold or neatly packaged, is identical with your own presence, which nobody can give to you, and nobody can take away. If you look to another for happiness, you will always depend on them, always be afraid of losing them, and fear and resentment will rumble underneath your ‘love’. You will adapt yourself to please them, numb your thoughts and feelings, close your eyes to the truth and live in fantasy and hope. You will make yourself unhappy in order to win their love, keep them, control them. You will make yourself unhappy trying to make them happy… or forcing yourself to be happy. That is not love, it is an addiction to a person. It is fear masquerading as ‘romance’. It is the lie.
But underneath every addiction is the longing for home, for Mother in the deepest sense of the word. Find the deepest sense of home within yourself, then. Make your body your home, your breath, your belly as it rises and falls in the present moment. Find your ground in the sense of being alive. And in that place of presence, spend time with others who nourish you, who help you feel alive, who empathise with you and can validate your precious feelings. When you are not trying to win love, when you are not running from your own uncomfortable feelings, you can afford to truly love and be loved.
Invite others into your love field; let them stay, let them leave, bow to their path and walk your own with courage. But do not for a moment buy into the lie that salvation lies anywhere except at the very heart of your exquisite presence, the place where there’s nobody to be saved. The place where you touch life, and are touched in return, moment by moment…
For you are The One, your own greatest lover, partner, friend, guru and Mother.
And so you can say to yourself:
“I can’t live without you”.
“You complete me”.
“Without you I’m nothing”.
“Never leave me”.