Dear Diary: The Broken Branch

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     Dear Diary,

Today I’m loitering about, preparing for a large journey elsewhere. I’ve returned to a hometown of mine recently after 40-or-so-years and in doing so I’ve come to be aware that there were looming elements of my past deeply still in existence wrapped up and rooted here. It wasn’t until today, finally, that I began to understood why I still have any connection to this town, and why all of my flights (3 separate flights to 3 separate time zones mind you) to depart have somehow managed to synchronistically fall through in the last 3 days.

As the day had gone on, I found myself sitting on a porch wistfully contemplating into
a private and whispy park-side. Despite the sense that I’d been engulfed a wandering Berumuda Triangle, my heart had been telling me something I just barely managed to notice as the sound of the leaves rustling in the mid-day breeze were so cathartic… A very old Proverb, in the 13th chapter to be exact, that I hadn’t heard since my youth, and since the beginning of the Path I now walk… Well, this proverb continued to replay in my Within, “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick”. Over and over again it played… It was almost as though someone was gently whispering into my ears. The ears of my soul more accurately. After each recitation, this mantra would continue echoing…

Earlier this day:

        Sometime around the afternoon, I received a call from my childhood sweetheart for the first time in a long time. Since I’d been back, we had met to catch up, but it wasn’t particularly… transparent by nature. Well, she heard that I would be leaving very soon and asked to speak to me once more over the phone. This woman explained to me that she had been in love with me still (and still un-married but often very close to being so), since she 11 and I 16.

       It was the most amazing and peaceful death of an extremely long and overdue life… the life of an imaginary possibility: “The One”. The fact that her and I were not “The One’s” for each-other is not the source of imagination, quite the opposite actually. The source of imagination and over-due death was her own clung, emotional fantasy. It was something that survived only off of illusion, because the one she was still in love with was the one she thought I was before I left life as I once knew it and followed the path. The Tao. 

   Despite this woman’s charming and timeless allure, it was an immense relief. It was to fulfill a conversation I had never realized I had always needed and that we had never had. In some way I felt a huge freedom from a trap that was not my own, and for my friend I think she found the same, and in doing so released us both…

 

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Look closely and you can spot a mid-day rainbow across the sky.

 

As I pondered this day these experiences my lady-friend had embodied early in the day echoed throughout my thoughts again, along with this proverbial saying I once knew and learned in this very town probably around the time I was once with her. Well, I meditated on these things and their relevance and as fortune would have it, out of nowhere I heard a loud “Crack! SNAP!!!”. One of the main trees at this park just let go of a very large and seemingly alive branch. At this point the implications were clear.

 

Symbolism of Cracked Tree Branches:

“The only time a branch falls off a tree on its own is when it is dead. No more life to keep it attached to the tree. No sap. No nothing. The tree feels no pain when the dead branch falls away. It might even feel relieved that the dead weight is finally gone. That the dead branch has finally fallen off.”

To see a tree branch signifies good luck, growth and new life. Because trees represent life and branches represent relationships, a branch breaking often means the death of a relationship connected to either family.

 

Additionally, My Master once said:

“He [the divine father] cuts off every branch in Me [the christic son] that bears no fruit, and every branch that does bear fruit, He prunes to make it even more fruitful.”

See below for the connections…

Since I’ve been back, I’ve felt like many deaths, divorces and broken branches have evidently made themselves apparent. It’s strange though, because all along, I couldn’t help but shake this feeling as though I was being reborn again in some way. This town and the last months of my life have brought about closure for me in a very old, and ancient chapter of my Genesis; and it’s now as I think about it that I remember: “for any new life to be made manifest new death must occur just as well.” This truth is a universal one which can be seen so poignantly seen throughout all life, including the glorious sign of a broken and fallen branch.

I can safely say that if this form of closure has been a “chapter”, than I am certainly nearing the final pages.

It’s through this process of revisiting others that I’ve remembered more and more that when we ourselves move on in life, somehow the perceptions loved ones have on us can withhold our own development and process if they’re not actually ready for us to move on. I love that this is the case, I love that I can trust my guides, and I love that the universe cares for me and my friends just as I would. Tenderly and in due-time. Such as this is the Creator whom I ineffably love. Oh, yeah, and I love his little whispers… My Master’s wondrous whispers… ❤

 

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I’m not sure what it is, but something up ahead looks awfully bright…

 

•••

“Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but,
when that desire cometh, it 𝑖𝑠 that tree of life.”

-The book of Proverbs; Chapter 13, verse 12.

 

My first, my last… the Love of my life.

“Your other half, your completion, is not outside of you, you see, but deep within you. It lives as your very own presence, burns like the Sun within.

So many people are looking for love. Or they are trying to hold onto a love that seems to be slipping through their fingers. Or they feel they have lost love, and they are trying to get 13450949_676806142471804_2598930184081756204_nlove back, running from uncomfortable feelings of withdrawal, numbing themselves with more dreams, running further and further from themselves, in pursuit of something they will never reach, still dreaming of their “One Special Person” who will complete them, provide them with a lifetime of psychological security, be the perfect mother or father they never had on Earth.

Of course, that’s not love. That’s fear, an urgent flight from aloneness.
If you can find or lose it,
if you can be ‘in’ it or ‘out’ of it,
if it can be given to you or taken away,
if you have to fight for it, beg for it, manipulate yourself or others to get it,
if you feel you have to become worthy of it,
if it hurts, then it’s the mind’s version of love.
It is the lie.

For if you love, you are present. That’s it.
If you love someone, you are present with them. As present with them as you are with yourself. As present as the Sun in the sky, despite the clouds, the storms, the ever-changing weather.

Do not confuse love with desire, then. Desire comes and goes. It burns brightly, or the flame extinguishes. But desire is not consistent, like love.

Do not confuse love with attraction. Attraction is beautiful, but it ebbs and flows, rises and falls like the ocean waves. It changes with the seasons, days, hours, moments. It is not ever-present, like love.

Do not confuse love with warm, pleasant feelings, even limerent feelings of being “in love”. Pleasurable feelings turn to painful ones so quickly. Love is not pleasure nor pain, it is not ecstasy nor hurt; it is the field that endures, even as the bliss fades into despair.

Do not confuse love with the urgency to possess someone or be possessed. Love is not infatuation. Love is not obsessive nor compulsive. Love does not cling. Love does not own anything; it is weightless, formless. Love does not say “I need you for my happiness, my contentment, my life”. No, love is synonymous with freedom, with a wide open heart, with the willingness to feel every feeling, think every thought.

The most dangerous myth is that another person can ‘make’ you happy. No, no. Happiness, true happiness, the kind of happiness that cannot be bought or sold or neatly packaged, is identical with your own presence, which nobody can give to you, and nobody can take away. If you look to another for happiness, you will always depend on them, always be afraid of losing them, and fear and resentment will rumble underneath your ‘love’. You will adapt yourself to please them, numb your thoughts and feelings, close your eyes to the truth and live in fantasy and hope. You will make yourself unhappy in order to win their love, keep them, control them. You will make yourself unhappy trying to make them happy… or forcing yourself to be happy. That is not love, it is an addiction to a person. It is fear masquerading as ‘romance’. It is the lie.

But underneath every addiction is the longing for home, for Mother in the deepest sense of the word. Find the deepest sense of home within yourself, then. Make your body your home, your breath, your belly as it rises and falls in the present moment. Find your ground in the sense of being alive. And in that place of presence, spend time with others who nourish you, who help you feel alive, who empathise with you and can validate your precious feelings. When you are not trying to win love, when you are not running from your own uncomfortable feelings, you can afford to truly love and be loved.

Invite others into your love field; let them stay, let them leave, bow to their path and walk your own with courage. But do not for a moment buy into the lie that salvation lies anywhere except at the very heart of your exquisite presence, the place where there’s nobody to be saved. The place where you touch life, and are touched in return, moment by moment…

For you are The One, your own greatest lover, partner, friend, guru and Mother.
And so you can say to yourself:

“I can’t live without you”.
“You complete me”.
“Without you I’m nothing”.
“Never leave me”.

-Jeff Foster